This question might also sounds like: Do I belong is more of a question for ourselves to answer than it is for others. It’s a problem when we only ask this of others. If I ask my wife “do I belong” and her answer determines my mood for the day, Read more…
The way we heal the wounds in our lives is to tell the story. Tell the story of your harm over and over again until you are no longer limited and harmed by what has happened. This is the essence of therapy … to become familiar with our own truths Read more…
Several years ago there was a similar theme showing up in my office with the couples I was meeting with: The husbands porn use. Upon reflection, I spent some time writing what I thought the wives needed to know about their husbands porn use. I’ve long thought about writing a Read more…
A friend of mine asked me to put together a brief one-page guide to give to couples at a marriage retreat about finding a good marriage counselor. I thought it might be helpful to share here. Whatever your reason is for seeking counseling, there are a few guidelines that will Read more…
Lent is the penitential season of the church calendar that usually involves fasting (or giving up) something that gets in the way of your relationship with God. This season prepares the way for Good Friday, and the celebration of Easter Sunday. One of my good friends is a pastor, and Read more…
This is a great statement from Virginia Satir about the demands of love: “One of the truly basic problems is that our society bases the marital relationship almost completely on love and then imposes demands on it that love can never solely fulfill. If you love me you won’t do Read more…
What were you like when you were 13 years old? How were you as a kid when conflict happened in the family? Where did you go and what did you do to feel safe? What was your role in the family surrounding conflict? Sometimes when conflict happens, we can become Read more…
Relationships are like muscles, if we exercise them, they will grow (even if we don’t see that growth). Marriage takes work, and will not naturally grow on it’s own. In fact, left alone, a marriage will shrivel up and die. It takes consistent time and energy much like your muscles. Read more…
Couples that avoid hurt from happening (or the hurt that has already happened) are preventing intimacy from developing. No one really enjoys being hurt, and being hurt is a part of all close intimate relationships. It’s going to happen. The difficulty is in viewing pain as though it is a Read more…
Before I release a pre-marital couple to the wild world of marriage, I challenge them to adopt two words (concepts) as cornerstones for their marriage: Grace and Gratitude. Here’s why. Showing grace implies forgiveness, acceptance, and a belief that your spouse is a better man/woman than what the offending action Read more…
Depending on the age difference, kids test out their emotions on their siblings. Kids yell, hit, scream, cry, manipulate, shut down, lie, cheat, steal, and pout. They are working out how to be in relationships with themselves and the people they live with. These tests are pretty safe to run, Read more…
Yesterday I wrote about why couples need to keep dating after they marry. Sometimes it’s been so long since a couple has had a meaningful conversation, they’ve forgotten how to do so. When I say “forgotten” I don’t mean that they (or you, if this describes your relationship) don’t know how Read more…
After a couple marries, one of the first things to go in their relationship is dating. Most couples stop the very thing that helped them fall in love in the first place. And from a rational standpoint, it makes a lot of sense. Before you got married, you had separate Read more…
The next time you find yourself in conflict with your spouse, take your shoes off. Seriously. Conflict in your marriage is holy ground. It’s where our life story shows up at a primal, non-verbal level. Our bodies remember things our words can’t describe. We offer silence and respect when entering Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.Day 1: The Gratitude JarDay 2: Gratitude PrayerDay 3: Gratitude LetterDay 4: A Touch of Gratitude The Lifestyle of Gratitude Step 12 in the Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. Day 1: The Gratitude JarDay 2: Gratitude PrayerDay 3: Gratitude Letter A Touch of Gratitude Often the way our brain works can get in Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. Day 1: The Gratitude JarDay 2: Gratitude Prayer Gratitude Letter John Gottman says that it takes five positive interactions to counteract every one negative Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.Day 1: The Gratitude Jar Gratitude Prayer & Meditation Sometimes gratitude in marriage is impossible to find. In these times we need more help Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. Gratitude Jar “Love keeps no record of wrongs” is way easier to say, than to do. Keeping a rolodex of what has gone Read more…
Most people who have not done significant spiritual or relational work do not know how to do conflict well. Invariably, we will unconsciously adapt our conflict styles to what we were exposed to in our childhood homes. The saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” is true here, Read more…
You don’t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. And if you do, the meeting quickly changes from a peace treaty to a tense stand off. One wrong move, and there will be a mess. We all have weapons that we have access to use when we Read more…
A millionaire who gives away $100 does not experience the same sacrifice as a factory worker who gives the same amount. It’s easy for someone wealthy to give away a few bucks, it’s not that significant of a cost to them. There is not much sacrifice when we give what Read more…
We tend to think about assets in terms of financial perspectives. How do we spend, invest, or save our money? Do we launder our money? How do I/we increase our financial assets? These, among others, are financial questions that every marriage deals with. Even if you’re not asking those questions, Read more…
Pressure shows up two ways in relationships: Couples who put pressure on each other, and couples who have been have been pressure treated together. It’s the difference between an insecure relationship and a secure one. Insecure relationships put a lot of pressure to “say or get it right” because the Read more…
The only way finances can work in marriage is if it’s laundered first. Yes, you read that right. Launder your money. Clean it of ownership, of claim. Too many couples have split their financial assets, bank accounts, and credit cards. A relationship based on earning says, “what’s yours is yours, Read more…
It’s easy to get a Twinkie off the shelf, and eat it. Donuts are great, too. But they are not all that good for the body. Marriages have a lot of junk food options: Blame. Contempt. Resentment. Criticism. Name calling. Silence or Stonewalling. These actions, or reactions, all taste pretty Read more…
Below are six languages that help speak to the building of an intimate relationships. We cannot build healthy intimacy and thriving relationships without practicing some of the below ideas. As with anything in life, practice makes progress (not perfect!). Passion – This is the language of “I want and desire Read more…
The great philosopher Forrest Gump famously said, “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” The great thing about those chocolates is that you can bite into them, and if you don’t like what you got, you can choose another one. Many people Read more…
Several years ago I attempted to grow a vegetable garden in our backyard. It was mostly an utter failure. We may have gotten 3 tomatoes and a couple of green beans. But let me tell you what, those were the best tomatoes and beans I’ve ever had! Though the production Read more…
Most of us spend so much time thinking about the wealth of our bank account, or retirement plan. What about the wealth of your marriage? There is not a more important investment in life than that of your marriage and family. Governments and economies can all disappear rendering our financial Read more…