Four Questions to Guide in a Fight:
When possible take the time with the person you’re in conflict with to talk about these questions. If you do, you will gain important understanding about one another. Growth happens as a result of increased trust and constructive honesty.
1. What happened? (data)
There are three sides to every story: Your side, my side, and the truth. Spend time in talking about all 3 sides.
2. What feelings came up? (emotions)
Anger is almost always a secondary emotion or a catch-all bucket of other feelings. Unpack that bag. Bravely risk being honest.
3. What did I do about it? (actions)
We usually try to get in control when we’re in conflict. Our actions/reactions dictate if we’re more focused on being right, or if we’re willing to be in the process of repair. Process can be scary because it’s open ended.
4. What do I need help with?
Knowing you can’t fix or resolve everything is normal for all relationships. We all need help outside ourselves. Recognizing there is a God, (and it’s not me or you — acknowledging I’m human), I am not all powerful or all knowing, speaking the words I need help is a sign of health and hope for your relationship.